How to Buffet

For the universal love of food, here's a guide that will help you stuff your face.

For the universal love of food, here's a five minute crash course on how to look like that uncle with the big belly.

For the universal love of food, here's all that you need to take every bit of that buffet. #NoRegrets #YOLO #WhereMyBundiAt

1. Do not eat anything two hours prior to the buffet

If you're going to eat, why eat before that? Why would you want to quit after the first serving? You are a winner, not a quitter! You got this, bro!

2. Work Out

If you feel a little athletic and healthy, work out before heading to whereever you are headed to for that buffet. Burning a few calories might help your bundi look less uncle-y and will create some extra space for some extra stuffing.

3. Wear loose clothes

If you're going to show up in a nice, tight pink dress, you might go home looking like a freshly made candy floss.

All that stuffing will also make you really uncomfortable when that shirt button pops open at your belly. If you can wear PJs, go ahead. Snoozing immediately after will be made easier.

4. Select the right crowd

You know how when you were in school your mom prayed you would be friends with the one who always came 1st hoping their influence on you might make you come 15th and not 23rd? Apply the same to this. Select the right people to sit with. You don't wanna torment yourself by sitting with the girls who love their chicken caesar salad or the boys who hit the gym at 5 PM to get the abs.

Sit with the gluttons to enter the glorious period of gluttony.

5. Skip the nonsensical veggies and salads

How hard is it to cut up some tomatoes, cucumbers, and mix them with an easy dressing? Not very hard. So, skip all that you can eat at home. You don't need the vitamins for the night. I believe salads are kept as a means of deterring people from the good stuff so it doesn't run out. 

If you're vegetarian, by all means, eat them carrots. If you have a problem with this guideline, please lettuce know.

6. Don't go overboard on the rice, noodles, buns and other carbs

This is not a buth kadey. You don't have to make a mountain of rice, unless you love big buths and you cannot lie. 

Take small portions because while carbs are the good stuff (I <3 gluten), there are better food to follow.

7. Slow down. Take  breaks.

The buffet won't run away. Calm down. Slow down. It's not a race. The chicken won't run out. Even if it does, they will refill it.

A buffet is also not a two hour long Econ paper. So, just take your time. Slow and steady wins the race. In this case, slow and steady will get you that belly (but it will be worth it!).

(However, if you arrive at 10.50 pm, then rush. EAT ALL OF IT, AND EAT ALL OF IT FAST, WHILE ALSO SAVORING THE TASTE. MULTITASK!)

8. Where dem protein gainz at? 

GET THE CHICKEN OUT. GET THE MEAT OUT. PLATE THE MEAT. EAT THE MEAT. 

If you're a vegetarian, well, look disgustingly at the ones who devour the meat. Cruel creatures. Appalling. Disgusting. Give them the "wtf, bro?" looks.

With reference to the above, my dear non-veggies, just overlook it. It's fine. Haters will hate.

9. Do NOT stop at just one plate.

If you're going to stop with one serving, stop and rethink your life. You might as well have just ordered off the a la carte menu.

Chefs do not slave away to see people give up after their first serving.

10. Do NOT be shy

Don't care about what others think of you. Don't care about that hot girl who might wonder if you time travelled from the stone age. Don't care about your lipstick being smudged.

JUST EAT.

Embrace the buffet beauty. Nourish your tastebuds. Delight your stomach.  

11. Keep room for dessert

Buffets usually have a range of desserts that will blow your mind in to the land of diabetes. Thus, family planning for that food baby helps. 

12. Try to get each and everything served (except for raw veggies 'cos mehhh)

The true beauty of a buffet is the array of food. So try it all because your ammi won't be serving you fettucine alfredo with chicken and tiramisu anytime soon. 

13. Down that green tea

You might not like having an uncle belly, unless you are an uncle because as per uncle rules, you will have no choice. 

Green tea shall save you! 

Congratulations, you are now ready for your next buffet. But if you're a real Sri Lankan, you were born ready for this!