What with Halloween coming at the end of this month (and also the fact that one can never predict when a zombie outbreak will happen) we thought we’d provide our readers with a detailed one-of-a-kind guide of what to do in the event of an epic zombie apocalypse. Our guide includes illustrations, useful tips and most importantly, places in Sri Lanka where you can seek refuge and defend yourself and your friends from a potential zombie attack.
Have a look and and tell us if you think you’ve got a better Lankan zombie survival game-plan.
Know your enemy (Zombie FAQ)
What is a zombie?
While the word zombie refers to undead brought to life by sorcery, actual zombies are believed to be created via a virus, spread through zombie-bite.
Why should I care?
Zombies are hostile, undead corpses. They bite and eat humans alive, having a special attraction to brains.
What are their weaknesses?
They are for the most part, dead, so they’re not exactly agile or calculating. They’re slow-moving and kind of dumb, like a machine that knows only one thing. If you’re in shape, chances are you can out-run or out-wit one, but evading hordes is more difficult.
How do you kill a zombie?
The only way to kill a zombie is to destroy their brain. The zombie brain is a human one that has been infected to give its body new orders. A zombies heart or other organs can be destroyed, but unless you destroy the brain it remains dangerous.
Stages Of A Zombie Apocalypse
- Pre-Apocalypse: at this stage you may hear rumors about human rabies or something similar, either here or abroad.
Action: Stock up on food and supplies.
- Apocalypse: At this point there are zombies in your streets. It’s the beginning of the end. Not safe to move around.
Action: Stay at home or someplace defensible.
- Post-Apocalypse: This is the time to consolidate your leadership and assemble a loyal team. Should focus on supplies, weaponry and training.
- New Future Of Your Own Making: This is the time to take a high value property (like a fort) upon which to found your empire.
Zombie Survival Kit
- Team – it always helps to have a small group of people around you, to delegate different responsibilities during a zombie apocalypse. See if you can have at least one or two disposables to throw in the line of fire in a tight situation (hey man, don’t judge, every man for himself).
- Weapons – guns are difficult to acquire for civilians in Sri Lanka (this is why Texas will probably be able to handle the zombie apocalypse better), so get your big garden mametis or machetes out, sharpen them, practise swinging at garden plants (when your mother freaks out tell her she’ll thank you later when zombies attack). Also useful are cricket bats, because easily available and most of us know how to swing one.
- Food – Stock up on sealed food like canned fish, biscuit packets and so on. Also dry fish is easily available everywhere, dry fish is your friend during a zombie apocalypse.
Zoom out on the map to get the full view of Colombo.
So we finally get to it: what do you do and where do you go during a zombie apocalypse? Some things to remember are – travel light (don’t carry your family photo albums and all with you, just 1 pair of Batas, 2 pairs of clothes, a blanket, packeted/canned food supply), and when locating yourself, think about food storage and a good vantage point.
Strategy: We think a good plan is to set up camp in a secure location and stay indoors for the most part except for cautious food-refill trips, till most people are either zombified or dead. Then you need to venture out looking for better locations and supplies.
APOCALYPSE (1-2 MONTHS)
For the first few months, lay as low as possible. This is not a time to try anything fancy, this is just a time to survive. Luckily, most Sri Lankan homes are largely zombie-proof, with high walls, spikes and reinforced windows. If your home isn’t like this, get to one that is. If you’re in an apartment, get to a higher floor and destroy or block the staircase as much as possible.
Avoid places with high density population, like Pettah, Wellawatte and Colombo North.
House With Walls
Ideally yours, ideally with a well.
An office or apartment on a higher floor, for vantage point and with a staircase you can destroy.
The big ones are in Borella, Narahenpita, Torrington and Mount Lavinia – camp out here in a small team or by yourself – it’s unlikely there will be zombies here since they follow the scent of the living.
The Dutch Museum in Pettah or the National Museum in Colombo 7. These places are pretty deserted too so it should be safe. Also they’ve got katanas and big swords on display that you can use to your advantage.
POST-APOCALYPSE (3-6 MONTHS)
If you’ve survived this long, it’s time to start thinking strategically about your place in the post-apocalyptic world. You’ll need to establish your team and your place within it. You should also start angling for a piece of prime real-estate, but nothing too flashy yet. What you’re looking for is something defensible with a food and water supply.
At this point, travel by boat via ocean and canal is the absolute best option. Barring that, you can brave the roads.
The Beira Lake Island
Get food supplies and secure the island, and burn the bridge. For food refills, you can use the Beira Lake swan boats to get to the mainland. This place is pretty secure because zombies can’t swim – they don’t possess the motor function required for swimming, so they just sink to the bottom and the water bloats up their bodies (they don’t die though, so there is the terrifying prospect of the bottom of the lake crawling with zombies).
Arpico – Hyde Park
While all supermarkets will probably be emptied, this is a very big one and you’re likely to find some supplies. It’s also near some apartment buildings where you and your team could forage floor-to-floor.
Colpetty Super Market
This is a great location – it’s near the sea, it’s got Branas and Beemas, there are three floors so you have a superb vantage point. Only issue would be securing the exits.
Old House of Fashions Building
It’s abandoned now, has secure exits and a decent rooftop for a view of the roads.
This is good because it’s also near the sea and has the Colpetty super market nextdoor, and you can get a good view of surroundings. And personally, it would make a good location for mass zombie annihilation. A few specially trained zombie combatants could lure a group of zombies into the theatre, escape, lock them in and pull an Inglorious Basterds (fry their brains in a blaze of film-fire… yes, our cinemas still use film).
NEW FUTURE (6 MONTHS – FOREVER)
Now is the time to get a fortress for your mameti-wielding army. A place from which you can build a new civilization.
Kill all the zombies here and hold the fort. The trouble is that this is an obvious target so you’ll probably have to fight off a lot of humans also, or join their crew. It is also a bit hard to close the main gates (the front gate has no door, so you’d have to pile up cars or otherwise make one). If you can secure this fort, however, it is the greatest prize in Sri Lanka.
If you ever get cornered here then make sure you have a boat at the shore – as we said before, zombies can’t swim, so as a last resort, you can always go out to sea. Even for re-supplying the fort, boats are a good option.
Assuming the President survives the zombie apocalypse, it helps if you have ‘connections’ that can secure you a spot here when the occasion arises. The zombie apocalypse should be comfy when you have high security bunkers and Mahinda Chinthana swag on your side. If nobody here survives and it’s ridden by zombies, it’s still a good place to invade and take over, because of obvious resources in the facility.
Matara Star Fort
This fort is quite defensible, but also ridiculously tiny. If you can get in, it has a solid moat and doors that close, but you’ll need to venture out into the infested Matara town to get food.
Probably the most defensible place in the island, but it has absolutely no food, and you’ll have to gather rain-water. If you’re a quasi-religious leader with many slaves or perhaps muzzled zombies, you could train them to transport supplies up and down for you and your lieutenants.
Tell us where in Sri Lanka you’d hide during a zombie apocalypse – 2 lucky people with the most interesting answers will win free tickets to Paranoid Earthling’s live concert.