A list of likely people you'd get at your next wedding function or obligatory full-fam lunch day out. We like lists.
Aunty Life Coach
Feel like your life's off track? This aunty's got you covered. From inquiring (albeit a bit too aggressively) about your marital status, why you don't have kids (or only one kid), Life Coach Aunty knows what's best for you. Doesn't matter that the only people who shares that opinion is she, herself, and her, and definitely not you: because you're completely ok with grappling with your existential crises.
If you're in school, she'll tell you how to study. Single, she'll remind you that your biological clock is perilously close to dying out. With kids? She knows what's best for them, so shush and listen. She has years of experience in dishing out life advice… you don't even need to write to your local paper's agony aunt.
You don't need a mirror with this one around. Got half a shade darker? She'll let you know. She'll also let you know (if you're a normal-to-chubby sized person) how much more fatter you've become, and (if you're a normal-to-skinny sized person) what a skeleton you've morphed into. Her goals in life are to state the obvious (what happened to your face? there's a pimple/ your beard is scraggly, no?), and exaggerate the obvious.
Tip to deal with them: …. ok, we haven't actually gotten a successful one, if you've any, hit us up in the comments.
When you're broke and your parents aren't generous, achchie is who's got your back. She'll make sure you've got something to eat (even when you're on that diet and really, really don't want that overly oily snack), and will make your little heart warm up by tucking some cash surreptitiously into the palm of your hand as you bid adieu.
Too-Cool-For-You Teenage Cousin
The guy who doesn't want to be there. Or girl, doesn't matter, really. They're the ones sulking around the corner wondering when they could just leave already. But ask them about the gym or the latest TV series and you may elicit some response.
Helloooo maame! Your alcohol friendly uncle who'll be found in the vicinity of the drinks table. No surprises there, really. According to reliable sources, he'll conspiratorially escort you to the Chivas circle soon as you're anywhere near the drinking age. This could either be around a table, or the back of a van. If it's anywhere near a van, don't go.
Over-achieving Sibling/ Sister
While you're trying to hold your life together with a C and not getting kicked out of school for bunking the math or history period, your sibling's busy saving their grades and being the beacon of your family. She's generally featured in the Hi! Magazine cover story.
Whitewashed Cousins aka Oreos aka Coconuts
Have them move to Britain, Aussie, or the US and you'd have a hard time not hearing their spanking-new accent. The brown comes completely out after two washes (generations). They may be brown on the outside, but are hella white on the inside. Also, if you're younger, you'd find yourself developing a fake accent around them as well. This is embarassing to remember when you're way wiser and older, so beware.
He's been in the war, watched Bradman play, used to be Dudley Senanayake's squash buddy, and makes sure he tells you all these stories every time you meet. He'd also mention what a boy he used to be at school. Prepare to be engulfed in nostalgia.
Trip this fellow up already. The most hated among the young 'uns, this is the fella you try to avoid at all costs coz he'd go running to tell the aunties and uncles about all the adult-unfriendly stuff you get up to. Watch your back, and play your innocence-card to the fullest.
The Cousin Who Married Up
Celebrity status achieved by marrying a white person and thus elevating the fambam's local popularity. “Aney you remember my niece Kumi no? She married that Amrikan man? John? No James? He is white anyway. Now they live in Oklahoma.”
Unsolicited Career Advice Uncle
“Why don’t you come work for us men we need good buggers like you”.
“Here, compact disks are the future, just ask that Bill Gates bugger."
"You need to leave that job of yours and join *this* industry. That's where the money's at. Look at you, your age and still working for what, 10,000? How much is your salary again?."
That one (or two or hundred) person who always makes it a point to state how disappointed they are in you. You've become darker, you were such a promising child, and look, your neighbour's son is an engineer but you're not. TSK TSK.
Now the question is, who are you in this grand scheme of life? What's your place in your family? Time for some introspection.