What It Would Be Like If The Olympics Were Held in Sri Lanka.

In a parallel universe, it has been decided that Olympics 2016 will be held in Sri Lanka (and not Rio) on the 5th of August at the Sugathadasa stadium because, if not dear, old Suga, where else?

With the opening ceremony scheduled at 10 AM, here’s a precap of the games.

1. The opening ceremony is scheduled for 10 AM, but actually starts at12.45 PM

10 am Sri Lankan time is never 10 am. It is the most culturally acceptable thing to start everything late.

So,

 

2. We’ll bring black back

While the Kandyan dancers do their thang, the lights will go out as the Ceylon Electricity Board will have an unplanned powercut from 1 – 5 pm because more than having smooth electricity, the CEB is better at having electricity breakdowns.

 

3. Mahinda Rajapakse would not be allowed within a 20 KM radius of the stadium

We all know the weird correlation between the ex president’s presence at any sports event and defeat for the nation. So, for the betterment of the country and because 51% of Lanka  isn’t so hot on him, devices will be planned to assure MR would not be around the vicinity. 

4. People without tickets will somehow have access to the games

You know how we can’t have anything without having people trying to get in illegally? Yeah, that’s bound to happen too.

No ticket? No problem, machang! Let’s jump in!

5. Operation Colombo Facelift

All those pot holes will finally be repaired! Crazy changes to infrastructure will be scheduled to take place a month before the Olympics and won’t be completed – just touched up. #SriLankanStyle

6. VIP passes everywhere!

All the ministers’ kids and their friends and their dogs will be seated on the first row for every single game because werk perks! And if they won’t be alllowed to enter, some will create a huge scene with a classic “”දන්නවද මම කව්ද?”” (Translation: do you know who I am?) and some passerby will video it and this video will go viral on WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter within seconds. 

7. Sri Lankans will have a newfound interest in sport

To be specific, games for women. Beach volleyball for women will have the most number of spectators. 97% of the crowd will comprise of very decent boys who will attend the Olympics only to get themselves some siblings by sister zoning the foreign chicks with a very polite “”ah, nangi!””.

No indecent comments will be made. Not a single comment. No man shall ogle. At all. 

THESE BOYS JUST WANT SISTERS.

 

08. His Excellency, Maithripala Sirisena, will patrol the stadium with toxic stingray tails

With women in sports bras and hot, fit men around, the Enrique Iglesias fiasco has a high chance of being repeated. To preserve the civilised culture of this country, His Excellency Maithripala Sirisena,will pledge to make sure that anyone who behaves in an “”uncivilised”” manner shall be, in his own words, whipped with toxic stringray tails.

9. But despite everything, the Olympic participants will rage with high levels of motivation

With tuks being the official mode of transport for the Olympics, every single participant will be highly inspired to give their best. Because not a mortal would breathe without motivation seeping out of their veins after the uninterrupted dose of tuk tuk wisdom. 

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on whatsapp

Highlights.

Latest.

KAMU.

Press Conference: Celebrating 50 Years of The London Grill & Welcoming Visiting Chef Phillip Davenport

Colombo, Sri Lanka – 14 May 2025 – Cinnamon Grand Colombo is pleased to invite

Highlights Kamu Trending

Pizza Hut’s Newest Craving Fix: Melts Single

Pizza cravings but not in the mood for a whole one? Let me introduce the

Highlights Kamu

Colombo’s best kept secrets – Date night spots 2025

Colombo might be known for its trendy cafes and fancy rooftop spots, but who says

Kamu Yamu Guide

Where Sunday Carvings Meet Sophistication – Kings Steak Bar’s Famous Brunch Buffet

By Vimasha Weerawansha  Nestled in the heart of Colombo, Kings Steak Bar by The Kingsbury

Highlights Kamu

A Luxurious Seafood Experience at Fat Crab Colombo

Fat Crab Colombo offers a wonderful dining experience that combines luxury, live music, and an

Highlights Kamu Yamu Guide

Radisson Colombo’s Indian Night – Review

By Sahasni Gamage We recently had the pleasure of enjoying a wonderful Indian Night at

Kamu Yamu Guide

Trending.

Press Conference: Celebrating 50 Years of The London Grill & Welcoming Visiting Chef Phillip Davenport

Colombo, Sri Lanka – 14 May 2025 – Cinnamon Grand Colombo is pleased to invite

Highlights Kamu Trending

A Colourful Tribute to Motherhood at Sheraton Kosgoda’s ‘Mother’s Day Sip & Paint’

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, 13.05.2025 — Sheraton Kosgoda Turtle Beach Resort brought vibrant hues and heartfelt

Trending

The Kingsbury, Colombo Appoints Hospitality Veteran Nandana Wirasinha as General Manager

The Kingsbury is pleased to announce the appointment of Mr. Nandana Wirasinha as its new

Trending

Mother’s Day to Remember at The Kingsbury

This Mother’s Day, The Kingsbury, Colombo, invites families to honour one of the most important

Trending

Glamour and Elegance Illuminate Songkran Celebration at Cinnamon Lakeside Colombo

Cinnamon Lakeside Colombo, the epitome of luxury and refined hospitality, proudly hosted a spectacular two-day

Trending

The Jewel in Colombo’s skyline turns one

ITC Ratnadipa completes one successful year in Sri Lanka ITC Ratnadipa marks its first anniversary

Trending

Yamu Guide.

Top Must-Try Restaurants in Ahangama for 2025

Ahangama, a charming surf town on Sri Lanka's southern coast, is becoming a popular spot

Highlights Yamu Guide

8 Gift Ideas to Celebrate Your Mom This Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a special time set aside to honor the amazing women who shape

Yamu Guide

Colombo’s best kept secrets – Date night spots 2025

Colombo might be known for its trendy cafes and fancy rooftop spots, but who says

Kamu Yamu Guide

A Luxurious Seafood Experience at Fat Crab Colombo

Fat Crab Colombo offers a wonderful dining experience that combines luxury, live music, and an

Highlights Kamu Yamu Guide

Radisson Colombo’s Indian Night – Review

By Sahasni Gamage We recently had the pleasure of enjoying a wonderful Indian Night at

Kamu Yamu Guide

Iftar Deals for Great Value in 2025

By Fathima Rukaiya, Iftar doesn’t have to be expensive to be delicious! Whether you’re craving

Highlights Trending Yamu Guide