What It Would Be Like If The Olympics Were Held in Sri Lanka.

In a parallel universe, it has been decided that Olympics 2016 will be held in Sri Lanka (and not Rio) on the 5th of August at the Sugathadasa stadium because, if not dear, old Suga, where else?

With the opening ceremony scheduled at 10 AM, here’s a precap of the games.

1. The opening ceremony is scheduled for 10 AM, but actually starts at12.45 PM

10 am Sri Lankan time is never 10 am. It is the most culturally acceptable thing to start everything late.

So,

 

2. We’ll bring black back

While the Kandyan dancers do their thang, the lights will go out as the Ceylon Electricity Board will have an unplanned powercut from 1 – 5 pm because more than having smooth electricity, the CEB is better at having electricity breakdowns.

 

3. Mahinda Rajapakse would not be allowed within a 20 KM radius of the stadium

We all know the weird correlation between the ex president’s presence at any sports event and defeat for the nation. So, for the betterment of the country and because 51% of Lanka  isn’t so hot on him, devices will be planned to assure MR would not be around the vicinity. 

4. People without tickets will somehow have access to the games

You know how we can’t have anything without having people trying to get in illegally? Yeah, that’s bound to happen too.

No ticket? No problem, machang! Let’s jump in!

5. Operation Colombo Facelift

All those pot holes will finally be repaired! Crazy changes to infrastructure will be scheduled to take place a month before the Olympics and won’t be completed – just touched up. #SriLankanStyle

6. VIP passes everywhere!

All the ministers’ kids and their friends and their dogs will be seated on the first row for every single game because werk perks! And if they won’t be alllowed to enter, some will create a huge scene with a classic “”දන්නවද මම කව්ද?”” (Translation: do you know who I am?) and some passerby will video it and this video will go viral on WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter within seconds. 

7. Sri Lankans will have a newfound interest in sport

To be specific, games for women. Beach volleyball for women will have the most number of spectators. 97% of the crowd will comprise of very decent boys who will attend the Olympics only to get themselves some siblings by sister zoning the foreign chicks with a very polite “”ah, nangi!””.

No indecent comments will be made. Not a single comment. No man shall ogle. At all. 

THESE BOYS JUST WANT SISTERS.

 

08. His Excellency, Maithripala Sirisena, will patrol the stadium with toxic stingray tails

With women in sports bras and hot, fit men around, the Enrique Iglesias fiasco has a high chance of being repeated. To preserve the civilised culture of this country, His Excellency Maithripala Sirisena,will pledge to make sure that anyone who behaves in an “”uncivilised”” manner shall be, in his own words, whipped with toxic stringray tails.

9. But despite everything, the Olympic participants will rage with high levels of motivation

With tuks being the official mode of transport for the Olympics, every single participant will be highly inspired to give their best. Because not a mortal would breathe without motivation seeping out of their veins after the uninterrupted dose of tuk tuk wisdom. 

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on whatsapp

Highlights.

Latest.

KAMU.

Beyond the Hook: Exploring Totally Hooked’s non-Seafood dishes

By Hashini Pathirana Totally Hooked CMB, as we are all aware, is widely renowned for

Kamu Yamu Guide

The Art of Fusion Cuisine at Mövenpick Hotel

By Vera Wadugodapitiya We walked into Robata Grill, Mövenpick. Instantly, what struck me about the

Highlights Kamu

A Taste of Mexico – Cinnamon Red’s Latest International Cuisine

By Shamrina Carim Every month, Cinnamon Red has come up with an exciting initiative to

Highlights Kamu

A Classical High Tea Encounter with the Coronation at Mount Lavinia Hotel

By Shamrina Carim Mount Lavinia Hotel hosted a casual evening of classic high tea encounters

Highlights Kamu

The Bento Box at Royal Thai, Cinnamon Lakeside

By Hiruni Herath When you step into the Royal Thai Restaurant at Cinnamon Lakeside, you’ll

Highlights Kamu

Totally Hooked – The Ultimate Seafood Destination

It is not a surprise that “Totally Hooked CMB", the talk of the seafood town,

Highlights Kamu

Trending.

Chef Sanjay Brings the Flavours of Our Neighbours to Cinnamon Lakeside Colombo

Colombo, Monday 05th June 2023: Despite Sri Lanka’s proximity to the Indian Sub-Continent and a

Trending

Award Winning Indian Restaurant Junior Kuppanna in Colombo

Junior Kuppanna, opened its newest international branch in Colombo on 25th May 2023. The new

Trending

Hilton Sri Lanka Unveils ‘Enchanting Beginnings’ Wedding Sale

Swoon over exclusive wedding packages in stunning venues for a lifetime of memories Colombo, Sri

Trending

Ramada Colombo’s Exclusive Limited Time Wedding Discount

Book before June 15th and enjoy 25% off Planning the perfect wedding can be an

Trending

The 30th Gratiaen Prize shortlist was announced with the launch of the Gratiaen Trust Young Writers Club

The Gratiaen Trust in association with the John Keells Foundation partnering with the Trust for

Trending

Hilton Sri Lanka is set to commemorate Mother’s Day in grand fashion

Continuing our long-standing tradition of celebrating extraordinary mothers, Hilton properties across Sri Lanka have gone

Trending

Yamu Guide.

7 Yoga Studios in and around Colombo

By Udaraa Gamage Are you looking for ways to escape from all that hustling and

Highlights Yamu Guide

Beyond the Hook: Exploring Totally Hooked’s non-Seafood dishes

By Hashini Pathirana Totally Hooked CMB, as we are all aware, is widely renowned for

Kamu Yamu Guide

7 Decent BnB spots for under LKR 7500 – Sri Lanka

We all like spending mini vacations at affordable spots to relax or stay on the

Highlights Yamu Guide

7 Places to Dine Under LKR1500 LKR per person

By Udaraa Gamage Are you a foodie looking for budget places to satisfy your taste

Highlights Yamu Guide

The Aesthetics of Club Palm Bay

Club Palm Bay is a hotel located in the heart of a charming fishing village

Yamu Guide

High Tea Affairs at L.A.B by Hilton Colombo

By Hashini Pathirana A little chit chat with your besties, while sipping onto an Iced

Yamu Guide