On 18th September I took the streets of Colombo by storm as I cruised through in my Ferrari at 160 kms per hour.
JK. On 18th September 5 people nearly died, including me thanks to a panic attack, as I was learning to drive so I can get my license before the end of this year.
In one hour of going very scarily at 40 kilometers an hour, here's what I gathered about what it's like to drive in Sri Lanka (for location nazis, Colombo).
1. The jaywalkers (like me)
Jaywalking isn't walking on the street with a joint stuck in between your mouth (although you would love to do that).
It's crossing the road at any place without a zebra crossing. A major apology to everyone I may have given confusion attacks to as I jaywalked in the past. I will not do this again, unless the zebra crossing is very far. By that, I mean 5 metres away.
But these jaywalkers make driving very difficult.
Why do you wanna cross in the middle? Why can't you cross at the crossing? Do you know how our brains have to do a quick race to hit the brakes? Take your ThugLife somewhere else, please. Thank you.
2. The Tooters
This species comprises of mortals who have their hands glued on to the horn.
So, they go toot toot toot for no real reason while your brain and ear drums go blank blank blank.
3. The Daniel Ricciardos
These ones think the Marine Drive, Galle road and basically any road is an F1 racing track. CALM DOWN. THIS IS NOT A RED BULL EVENT. YOU ARE NOT DANIEL RICCIARDO. YOU ARE NOT AN F1 RACER.
It gets very confusing when you're driving straight and all of a sudden someone's Alto cuts right across you.
STOP. THIS. RIGHT. NOW.
4. The Signal Lovers Inc.
I don't mean the toothpaste here although Signal is love, life and bae. <3
Either turn left/right or switch your signal off. These ones are like your hungry girlfriends who know they're hungry but don't know what they want to eat. The signal light is on, but they won't turn.
You are not that cute boy I am WhatsApping (Aunties, this is a joke. Don't tell my mom, my dad and my dad's sister's husband's grandmom.) So stop sending me mixed signals.
5. The Signal Haters Inc, WHYYYYY?
Welcome to the opposite side of the world. These mortals despise the living atoms out of the signal and won't switch it on but two seconds later, SURPRISE MOT#0*&KER!
Make us a part of your decisions, dammit! #Unincluded
6. The uncles of the world of driving
These drivers engage in slow, slow driving. 20 kilometers an hour isn't cool, yo. Some of us want to move on in life!
7. The space hoggers
They can give you space, but they won't. They can see you trying to move ahead of them, but they won't care. Lost in their own selfish world, these hoggers are the ones your mom told you to stay away from.
8. The motor cyclists
There are no sexily clad women lined along the pavement waving flags. You don't have to race to impress. You can live without your sudden swift turns and your VROOM VROOMS.
9. The nice drivers
#DonaldTrumpApproves_AsLongAsYouAreNotPartOfAMinority
A little virtual cheek kissy kissy for these nice drivers. These ones, unlike most of us, follow the road rules, give you space when you want to overtake and stop for you to put your turns.
May God grant your blessed souls the highest ranks in Motor Heaven!
10. The bus uncles
Yo, bus uncle, we know you're racing to get to that halt first but you don't have to interject our lanes and almost put a halt to our lives in pursuing Mission Get More Passengers.
Thank you.
Also, go slow on the horn. WE ARE NOT BLOODY DEAF!
11. TAMUSETA PAARA PAEN NADDA, YAKO?
If you have not witnessed a crazy Tsunami of swear words being thrust at you or someone else, do you even Sri Lanka, bro?
An occasional hand gesture and scream at another driver with your windows rolled up is vitally important to be able to cruise through the smooth streets of Lanka land.
12. Potholes – not for the potheads
This is the uncool kind of pot, the kind of pot that is freely available everywhere – the legal pot.
The pot you don't want, but the pot you have got to endure because how could you get through your day without thudding into one at least once?
13. Headlight addict
Sun's out, guns out, headlights out, middle fingers out.
Their mission is to blind everyone with their headlights by either keeping them on as soon as the clock strikes 5.30 pm or by flicking it in your face every nanosecond.
If you know someone who fits the above, take a hammer and bash their lights.
Be a saviour.
14. Road or zoo?
This doesn't happen always, but occassionally, you will witness a cow with its husband taking a honeymoony walk and you can't go "TAMUSETA PAARA PAEN NADDA, YAKO?". And on another occassion, a little doggy will suddenly decide to jaywalk. Once again, you can't and won't go "TAMUSETA PAARA PAEN NADDA?" because animals > humans.
Important notice by a concerned citizen
While YOLO may still be a thing –
Do NOT drink and drive
Do NOT text/call and drive
Do NOT play Pokemon Go and drive
Pay heed to road rules
*Read in motherly voice*
Your life is precious to you and those around you.
Pedestrians' and other drivers' lives may not be important to you, but they are important too.
Drive safe (not sexily)!
